Retraction

Tonight for the first time in a month, I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. I forced myself to toughen up, and the tears stopped forming before I could spill the first one.

"I miss you."

There, I said it.

It ripped my pride to shreds, but I said it.

I'm trying so hard not to miss you. I'm moving on, evolving, loving the changes life has dealt me. But there's always something lacking, and I was too proud to admit it was you.

If I have to live without you, I will.

I just don't want to.

...

I can't stand being alone. I pride myself on being so strong and proud, but the reality is that I'm very weak, and I depend on others to make me feel significant and important. If I don't have anybody to love me, then I can't love myself. It really is very foolish of me, I know... but you can't change some things about yourself, ugly as they may be.

...

I've been spouting proverbs and sayings like there's no tomorrow. They gave me strength when I was weak, made me appear strong and intelligent when I was really feeling defeated.

No hay mal que por bien no venga. I found reasons to go on. Thought only of my career, my future.

A mal tiempo buena cara. I would never allow anybody to see me weak. I practically bought a new wardrobe. Got a haircut. Put on makeup. Smiled for the whole world to see.

Un clavo saca otro. Even though the last thing I wanted was to get into a new relationship, I sought out somebody to connect with. Somebody I could fall in love with somewhere down the line. Somebody to help me remember that hope is not lost, and I can be loved.

...

I had to teach a class on proverbs. I became very passionate about it. I learned a few good ones, too.

One lie spoils a thousand truths.

There is no foot which does not stumble.

Daring talk is not strength.

...

It's difficult not to think of what people will say if they saw me now... going against everything I proclaimed.

They always come crawling back.

You know, I'm not as happy as I thought I would be.

Yes, he wants to get back together, and I turned him down cold. I thought I would be ecstatic about this. But I'm not.

I think it's because deep down I know it didn't really hurt him that I refused. Because deep down I know he's not TRULY regretting it. Deep down I know he's lying to me. Deep down I know the only reason he came crawling back is because he has no other choice.

No le fue bien el estar putiando por ahi, y ahora quiere volver.

I faintly toyed with the idea of taking him back, but I'm too smart for that.

I lost my trust in him. Trust is nearly impossible to regain.

It will never be the same. I will never forget how he destroyed me, destroyed all my dreams and hope.

Sure, I recovered quickly, but those first couple of days while I pulled myself together were torture. I didn't deserve that.

Every single person has advised me against going back. Even our mutual friends, those that swore neutrality and refused to take sides, tell me not to do it.

I won't. Even though I still love him, I know that the person I loved is gone. The person he has turned into is not the one I wanted to spend my life with.

Fuck him.

Well, after almost three weeks of the single life, my ex-boyfriend called... just to know how I was doing.

Of course I launched into a very enthusiastic narration of how great the semester was going, of how excited I was about being a student teacher, and how I would soon have to start carrying a baseball bat with me to keep the fanboys at bay. Of course, I don't really have fanboys... more like a handful of desperate boys who think that because I was recently dumped, they can score with me easily. But I wasn't going to tell my ex that!

Of course I had to be cruel and include the fact that the only boy whose attention I wanted was the only one I couldn't get. This seemed to shock him, because he said, "Wow, you sure were quick to recover." HA! I'm not really interested in finding something new, but again, that's not something my ex needs to know.

I am the most f*cking proud thing to ever walk the face of the Earth... and I reminded him of this, just to make it clear that I was not missing him one bit.

A friend asked me if I was doing this for revenge. I told him I wasn't really... I just wanted to teach him a lesson. When I started to suspect that I was soon going to be dumped, I gave him a warning: he had to be sure to be careful with making the decision, because if he dumped me, then that would be that... and no matter what, I would never go back. I only go in one direction: forward. And how can I ever trust him again to never leave me? No, thank you. You break up with me, it's forever.

If he found that he wasn't having much luck trying to fuck around now that he was single, well that's too bad. I'm not his safety net, and I never was.

He made a mistake. And I'm going to make him live with it.

The next day, he called me again. I only answered because I thought it was an emergency. But when it turned out to be he just wanted to chat, I got irritated. I am way too busy to be wasting my time, so I tried to cut him off quick. He was asking too many questions about my work and class schedule, which I evaded saying that they were unpredictable. He said he wanted us to get together to get something to eat or something, so I said I'd let him know.

And I assure you that's the last time I ever answer when he calls.

Everyone is incredulous and laughs when I tell them this. They all come to the same conclusion: He got rejected and now he wants you back.

Well, fuck him.

I know I'm not perfect, but I was perfect for him. I could've made him happy for the rest of his life. I wasn't possessive. I gave him his space. I pleased him. I did anything to make him happy.

And he threw it all away because he got "tired". Tired of himself, he says.

...No can do. Not going back. Never. I can never trust him again. I know he's lost any respect he ever had for me.

So fuck him.

I'm doing great without him.

Signs of Wear and Tear

Well, it's been more than a week since we broke up. I'm doing okay. Still strong, but signs of wear are showing. I'm finding it difficult to maintain my spirits high when I'm alone. I've got no choice but to live with myself, so I can't go depending on everybody to cheer me up.

I find it amusing when people offer possible explanations. Like Nashira. She said he'd probably broken up with me because in three years, I never slept with him. I doubt that's it, because Esteban never even asked me to, but it still made me laugh because I've always said that men think with a different head. (Haha!)

I really, really hope my belief in divine justice comes through. Just like I hold my breath in anticipation of the day my father gets what's coming to him, I wish the same for him. Not for my personal satisfaction alone... I just need to know that people reap what they sow. I need to know that there IS such a thing as karma.

A little part of me hopes that he never finds happiness. That's cruel of me, I know. But I can't help it. The bastard broke my heart! I want him to someday realize that the biggest mistake of his life was letting me go. And when he realizes it, I want him to try to crawl back. And when he does, I'm going to crush his heart. I'm going to make him live with his regret.

...In the meantime, I seek solace in imagining myself with someone new, with someone better. I'm very... needy. I can't be alone for too long. But that's dangerous because then I risk settling for just anyone- sometimes I think I did that with him. Don't get me wrong, these three years have been the happiest of my life. But I never liked how suddenly we jumped into the relationship.

I think that, next time, I want someone who's sure of himself. Someone hard-working and goal-oriented. Someone I can look up to, someone who inspires me to give my all and do my best. I want someone with infinite patience and unyielding loyalty. I want someone who appreciates my (few) good qualities: I'm trusting, therefore I'm not possessive nor jealous. The only thing I demand in a relationship is honesty. I'm the perfect balance of affection: I know when to cuddle and when to respect personal space. I'm not a materialist. Money and power do not sway me. And last but not least, humor is very important to me.

(I don't have much to offer, do I?)

Haha, I wonder if someone like that even exists. And if he DOES exist, would he really want someone like me?

I doubt it... very much.

Putting Myself Back Together

Last night I seriously considered seeing a psychologist. But I quickly rejected the idea- not because I don't think I need help (God knows I do)- but because this is nothing I can't fix on my own.
I pride myself on possessing great intrapersonal intelligence. I know myself well. I know my strengths, but I know my shortcomings even better.

I don't understand why I have such low self-esteem. I have very little confidence in everything I do. Even writing- it is the one thing I love to do above all others, and even then I hardly even WRITE because I'm always so certain that anything I write will be terrible. And it barely matters if I receive praise. I always think people are just being kind, going out of their way to be nice. If 10 people praise me, but only 1 criticizes me, I'll only care about the one who criticized me. Why do I do that? Why?

Can anybody answer that?

Nashira gave me some very intelligent advice. She said that the problem with people is that we're reactive when we should be proactive.

pro·ac·tive
Pronunciation: (")prO-'ak-tiv
Function: adjective
1 [1pro-] : relating to, caused by, or being interference between previous learning and the recall or performance of later learning (proactive inhibition of memory)
2 [2pro- + reactive] : acting in anticipation of future problems, needs, or changes

Nothing will change if I don't make it change. That's why lately my attitude has taken such a turn. I refused to shed a single tear over Esteban, and I kept my word. Each day I concentrated on moving forward, never looking back. Each day I found reasons to look forward to the future. I got a haircut. I'm trying to dress nicer, to look nicer. (This in itself is exhausting. I'm not a very vain person.) Pero a mal tiempo buena cara.

And it's working. My friends are being so supportive. They're so happy and proud of me when they see me, still strong.

I'm too proud to admit it, but moving forward is terrifying.

It's not that I don't believe in love anymore... it's more like I don't believe in people. The only thing I ever asked of Esteban was honesty, but he couldn't even give me that. People who knew us envied us. Like my sister said when I told her I'd been dumped: "But what you had was so pure." And even though I did nothing to deserve it, I had my heart broken. Three years forgotten like they were three days. That hurt a lot, and it wounded me even more than it should have because one of my greatest, darkest fears is that I'm someone easy to forget.

I've always considered myself to be "a fly on the wall". I just pass through, unperceived. That way, if I'm forgotten, it's because I wanted it... rather than try my best and be forgotten anyway. I know it's very stupid of me to think this, but it's just the way I am.

Supportive friends vehemently contradict me on this. They say I'm not someone easily forgotten. They say I deserve someone better... but just find that so hard to believe.

I don't consider myself pretty, but I am proud sometimes of what you could call "inner beauty" (but hush, I would never say that out loud). But then I think, does anybody even care about inner beauty anymore? The few who do already have somebody much better than me anyway.

I'm sure a lot of people spend a lot of time imagining what their perfect someone would be like. I do, too. But I always think that my perfect someone's perfect someone could never be someone like me.

So... what do you think? Do I have issues? Should I see a psychologist? Heheh.

Screwing Libidos

I used to be able to take pride in the fact that I respect other people's lifestyles as long as they don't try to harm mine. But right now I can't say that. It's egocentric, selfish, foolish of me, but right now I'm just furious that people don't see some things my way. I hate myself for saying this, but I can't lie. I have to purge this ugly, true me.

I value virginity because its something you can only give to one person. To me, that person should be your spouse. Your one and only. I feel a gaping hole inside my chest when I see so many giving it away so recklessly, and not caring. How they continue to indulge in an act they substitute for love.

I could never do such a thing... it's probably because I know that if I did, I'd feel like a slut. That if I did, and I wasn't with that person for the rest of my life, I'd regret ever doing it.

And I know hardly anyone would agree with me. That's fine. It hurts me when it comes from those close to me, those I care deeply for.

It's not that I think myself above them, I am just angry at them because I accuse them as weak, when I know that probably had nothing to do with it. I am angry because they did as they pleased, and I cannot do the same. I am angry because they act like adults when their hearts and minds are still like a child's. I am angry because I force myself to act my age.

I am angry because I know I have no right or reason to be angry. I am angry because I know I am not pure, and yet demand others to be pure. I am angry at their hands and for the bodies they have touched, the ones they have yet to touch. I am angry that they know of an art I know nothing of.

I am just angry at everything right now, and not making any sense.